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Recovery
Being in recovery is a challenging thing. I have been clean and sober for 9 months now. While I am proud of this fact, and I never want to go back to the way life was, some days are harder then others

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I think when people are partying it up, reality takes a back seat. Many of you know what I am speaking about, because you have probably been there, done that. As for me I spent almost my life- since 13 years old putting chemicals, and alcohol into my body. This was all I knew. I was raised Mormon, in a house with a single mom, a older brother, and a younger sister. Growing up could of been better, but my mom, bless her heart did the very best she could. By the age of 12 I knew that I wanted something different. I felt out of place, out of touch, and miserable every waking minute. That's when I turned to something that would take me out of my present state of mind, and put me in a whole new one--drugs & alcohol. Now don't get me wrong I am not glamerizing any of this, and if I could go back in time I would for sure never of started, not even once. Drugs and alcohol do nothing but lead a person down a lane of no return and the outcome is disaster. If I can reach someone, one person before they are spiraling out of control, then I will be a happy woman.

I have lived on my own since I was 14 years old. At first I thought this was the life. No mom to order me around, no chores to do, no whinning brother or sister. This lil fantasy of mine came to a screaching halt, and it didnt even take that long.

I moved to Santa Barbara to stay with my day ( which I didnt even know and hadn't seen in 8 years. My older brother had went there the year before, so I figured I would be safe enough. As I got off the greyhound bus, and I was waiting for my brother, this old, scruffy, smelly, long haired guy kept looking at me and giving me winks, and blowing me kisses. I was totally grossed out, wishing my brother would show up. This guy was flirting with me and he was old enough to be my dad---- as it turned out IT WAS MY DAD and he just didn't know who I was.

Me and my brother stayed in a school bus turned into living quarters (if you could call it that) and my dad had a alcoholic red head for a girl friend that went diving in dumpsters for fun. But hey all was good cause we had free access to as much booze and drugs as we could handle. Or so we thought.

Nothing to bad happened for the first few months. It was non stop party central, and of course my dad had to show me off, like the proud father, to all of his biker buddies ( this is my daughter, he'd say... like he had contributed something wonderful to my life, NOT) I thought it was great, I finally had a dad, I got to ride harley's, stay up all night, older guys thought I was cute, boy if I only knew then what I know now.

I remember this like it was yesterday. As we were all sitting around the club house where all my dads biker buddies hung out , my dad came up to me and whispered in my ear ( see that guy over there, the one with the cowboy hat on) I said "yes" he said go over and give him a kiss on the check, hes one of my best friends and he won't let anything happen to you, if Im not around.So of course I did, thinkin nothing of this, cause I was so high I could barley walk. As it turned out My wonderful father had set me up. He had got together with this friend of his, and this guy gave my dad some money, and some drugs to sleep with me. MY OWN FATHER not that I am surprised, he always was a peice of crap.

Stuff like this went on for the remainder of the year. Fights, strung out, I lost over 60 pounds, I got rapped more than I can even count, and one time by my own dad.

I am not trying to make any of you feel sorry for me-- that is not why I am writting this. The point I am trying to make is this: if you let drugs, and alcohol becomes a part of your life, bad things can happen to you. When a person is high or intoxicated then all control is lost, and you cannot even protect yourself. When you find yourself in a situation where you have to choose to between drinking or doing drugs, or not---choose not to. I cannot change what has happened to me or my brother. My brother is currently in prison, and has been since he was 18 years old, he is currently 36. He got into the drugs heavy too, and one night when he was all high on coke, and had been up for god knows how long, he accidentialy killed someone. This person's life was over, and pretty much so was his. He may never have freedom as you and I know it, and a family has lost their loved one.

I will say it again, and keep saying it for the rest of my life: DONT DO DRUGS AND DONT DRINK ALCOHOL. All you have to do is say NO NO NO NO NO If you never start you will never get addicted, and therefore you wont have to worry about things getting out of control, because your out of control.

Please take this little peice of my life and learn from it. If anything else just keep what I have told you in your memory bank somewhere, and maybe it will pop up when you need it the most.

May your higher power bless you and protect you always, and may you think before you act, say no when you don't want to do something, and listen to that inner voice instead of ignoring it.