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Have you ever heard the expression "it's like pulling teeth?" In other words, something feels really hard to do. It's like one of those old Warner Brothers cartoons where Yosemite Sam is trying to move a cart and it just won't budge. No matter what he does - even getting ten friends to help - nothing makes a difference. It's virtually impossible.
Is this how your conversations feel like when you try and talk to others? I know mine used to feel this way, until I started using this little trick to make conversations easier. Using this technique helped me feel less self-conscious, at least when it came to talking to others.
How does feeling self-conscious cause you to struggle in your conversations?
Some common complaints I've heard are: "I'm afraid people will think I'm boring," or "I don't have anything good to talk about." Do any of these sound familiar?
You may think you have nothing interesting to say that the other person wants to hear. And that's ok. You don't have to have anything interesting say to have a good conversation. Why is this? Let me explain.
People are really a self-interested bunch.
Dr. Phil McGraw once quoted his father as saying "You wouldn't worry so much about what others thought of you, if you knew how seldom they did." It's true. Think about how much you think about someone else's problems on a daily basis. How often do you think about world hunger, for instance? Unless your job involves dealing with world hunger on a daily basis, I'm guessing you don't think about it all that much. Does it mean you're selfish. No, you're just human. We tend to deal with the problems we have right in front of us. But what does this have to do about not struggling to have a good conversation? Why doesn't it matter whether or not you have anything interesting to say to keep a conversation going?
It's called the art of asking questions.
People are generally interested in their problems and their daily lives much more so than they're interested in others' problems. It's not selfish. It's just human nature. You can use this knowledge to your advantage so you don't have to feel like you have nothing to say. Just take something they said and ask a question about it. For instance:
John: "I just got back from Italy. It was a great vacation."
You: "What did you do out in Italy?"
As you can see from the above example, you don't have to ask anything earth-shattering. Just ask a question that's related to what the other person is talking about. You engage them. They feel good because they feel like you're listening. You feel good because you're having a conversation without the struggle brought on by feeling self-conscious.
But what if you run out of questions?
It's called the end of the conversation. Seriously. If the other person has nothing to say to you or you to them, it's a good time to stop. After you practice having smooth conversations using the art of asking questions, you should be prepared to gracefully end the conversation. You both go on your merry way having felt better for talking to each other.
That's how you have a conversation that doesn't feel like you're pulling teeth.
You don't have to struggle like a Warner Brothers cartoon character trying to move a cart. You just have to ask questions. It's the key to overcoming feeling self-conscious and having a good conversation.
Adam Appleson is the founder of ZenTactics.com, a website with practical personal development tips for child abuse survivors.
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