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Losing, Hiding, Admitting, Rediscovering
I am 26 years old and was diagnosed with breast cancer December 2006. This was written to help others cope with their diagnoses.
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I've lost. I've hidden. I admit it. Now I've rediscovered new things about myself and my life.
I hope, that in some small fraction, I can help some other woman or man out there struggling with getting diagnosed with a terrifying disease.
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 25, I felt my whole world implode. My family. My friends. Everything changed so suddenly. I wasn't able to keep up. I watched mind numbing movies. Just to cope. At age 25 you've just barely discovered yourself and getting a grip on your presence.
First: I lost my footing. Then I lost my breast. I lost my self confidence. I lost my self esteem. After my mastectomy in Feb 2007, I started to heal physically. Nothing could possibly prepare me for what was about to happen next.
Chemotherapy was the single hardest thing I've ever had to endure in my entire life. There were deep dark holes that swallowed me and overwhelmed me. I went into hiding. I couldn't face the world. I couldn't face society after that.
I have been in hiding for a long time. Hiding from the scary things lurking out in the world.
I've finally admitted it. And have rediscovered myself from it all.
Anyone who has been through a terrifying diagnoses, probably experienced the same sort of things.
Losing/Loss, hiding, admittance, and the rediscovering. They always say there is a grieving process. guilt, denial, sadness and acceptance. Perhaps mine closely resembles that. But I feel that when you go through chemotherapy, there is much more. When your hair starts to fall out, it's a visual sign that you are receiving treatments. People do notice. Where I used to be the "look straight into your eyes" person, now I avoided gazes because people had that inquisitive look in their eyes. I just wanted to get through the store and back home where it was safe.
I'm editting this in because April Lorier brought up that she had minor children at the time. It does add a certain element that many going through cancer (and other illnesses) face. I have two young sons. 7 and 2. I missed birthday parties. I missed school events.
That was the hardest. When my older son turned 7, I was in bed zoned out from all the anti-nausea meds my doctors had perscribed me.
I also want to add how hard it was at first, to watch shampoo commercials. People thought I was being over emotional, but it was hard to watch women swishing their perfect locks around... while mine were falling out.
To the many family members of people going through cancer treatments, I will say this... Never say "it's just hair" or "it's just a breast". I got that often and it was hard to not break down into tears and try to explain to them how much that hurt when they said that to me.
How can they possible know how it felt? To be in your 20's, just out of your teens, not in the comfortable 30's and 40's. And lose your hair? It wasn't ever about the hair to me, it was about losing my dignity, having the look of being ill. People treat you so differently.
I wanted to edit this in because it was and still is a big part of my life, as I suspect it always will be.
Many don't go into the hiding part. I certainly did.
How can you get help to cope? Don't take it on by yourself. Reach out to friends and family. You have every right to explain to them that you're too tired for lectures or speeches. You'll have someone at some point tell you what you need to do. And I'm sure they mean well, they love you afterall. That is their way to cope. To give you advice and push you to make a decision.
Don't let them. It's hard...and I mean really really hard...to tell people to stop digging your grave.
A diagnoses doesn't mean certain death! Doesn't mean you should be rushed into surgery ASAP!
Because you'll get people that will want you to get a bi-lateral mastectomy two days after your diagnoses.
And although,I'm telling you what you should or shouldn't do, I'm merely setting up a pathway that others can follow.
You'll know what is right for you. There is so much information out there, it'll be difficult not to want to consume it all. In the end, it's your life and your decision.
Just know, you're not alone. That was the worst thing in the world to me. To be the only 20-something in my family that has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. So, I reached out to other breast cancer survivors and they have become my family.
Seek out help. There are so many resources.
http://www.cancer.org/docroot/home/index.asp
http://www.hopkinsbreastcenter.org/
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cancer-diagnosis/HQ00379
And to the families and loved ones , you need help in coping too. As I mentioned above, try not to say "it's just hair, it'll grow back".
Please don't beg for updates every day or call every day. I KNOW how hard that is because you're worried. At times, we lose our strength and our voices and can't speak up for ourselves. So sometimes, you need to be the one to tell everyone else "Hey, enough is enough, she's/he's tired, in pain, and can't talk right now".
There is a GREAT website that I used to keep my family members updated. I tried using Myspace for awhile, but many older folks shy away from Myspace.
www.caringbridge.org/
It is a non-profit website for those going through medical crisis. Family members sign up to receive updates that you post once in your journal in their email inboxes. It really helped when I wanted my family to be updated all at once.
You can view mine and what I went through at: http://caringbridge.org/visit/jenniferlehman
To help better understand what one goes through.
This was one of my favorite songs while I was going through chemotherapy:
This Is Not Goodbye
Artist: Melissa Etheridge
Bravely you let go of my hand
I can't speak yet you understand
Where I go now I go alone
This path I walk these days of stone
And the angels are calling
I must go away
Wait for me here
Silently stay
And don't ask me why
Only believe
This is not good bye
All of my strength all my desire
Still cannot melt this breath of fire
I go to meet some kind of test
Bury the truth that scars my chest
And the angels are calling and calling
I gathered all my courage
I shaved off all my fear
With this banner on my shoulder
I hold your essence near
And the angels are calling and calling and calling
Jennifer Lehman is a 26 year old breast cancer survivor. She was born and raised in Anchorage, Alaska. Has two children and is married to Richard who is in the Airforce. She is a work at home mom with Fuller Brush and My Power Mall.
http://Jenzfullerbrush.com for more details.
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