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ADD ADHD Child Behavior, Treatment and Medication
How to Criticize Your Child
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Title: How to Criticize Your Child
Author: Anthony Kane, MD
Website: http://addadhdadvances.com
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How to Criticize Your Child
by Anthony Kane, MD
Introduction
We have an obligation to teach our children how to conduct
themselves properly in the world. Part of this duty requires us
to correct their mistakes in behavior. One of the ways we do
this is through giving our children constructive criticism.
First we need to stress that to give this criticism to our
children is not an option, it is an obligation. As parents we
have a duty to redirect our children. It is neither in our
children’s best interests nor do we do them any favors if we do
not guide them properly. When we see things that come up in
their daily lives that they do wrong, we must correct this
behave. How can we as parents redirect our children’s behavior
in such a way that it does not get in the way of the healthy
parent child relationship?
How to Give Criticism Constructively
There are a number of things we should remember when redirecting
our children that will make our criticism more accepted and more
effective.
1- Children Have Feelings
This is probably the most important thing to remember when
criticizing our children. It is obvious to everyone that children
have feelings. Yet very often it is something that we as parents
forget.
Children, particularly when they are small, are completely in our
control. It is easy to forget that they are little people.
They have feelings that can be hurt and self-esteem that can be
crushed if we criticize them in a non-constructive belittling
way. We must try to relate to them as we would like others to
relate to us.
2- Have Your Message Clear
The goal of proper criticism is to get your message across to
your child. That means you have to have a message. If you
don’t have an idea you are trying to convey, then all you are
doing by criticizing your child is venting your own anger and
frustration. You will do nothing positive for your child, and
your child will not change his behavior in the future.
Remember, your goal with criticism is to educate, not to punish
or embarrass or to seek revenge against the child. When you
criticize you must have something you are trying to teach.
3- Deliver Your Message Properly
You must give rebuke. It is your obligation as a parent. The
point is that it should be given in a positive manner. To do
this you must satisfy a number of conditions.
a. Criticize the Behavior not Your Child
This is critical. Direct your criticism toward your child’s
behavior. It has to be clear to your child that it is the
behavior that upsets you, not him.
b. Don’t Label Your Child
Children get their sense of who they are from what others tell
them. When a parent gives a child a label, this label will
eventually stick, with disastrous consequences.
c. Give Your Rebuke Privately
It will be hard enough on your child to have to bear your
criticism. You should do everything you can to spare him the
embarrassment of having you rebuke him in front of others.
d. Don’t Dwell Upon the Past
The only valid criticism is for the future. What the child did
is over. You should acknowledge the mistake but make it clear
that the reason you are speaking to your child is so that he can
improve in the future.
4- Offer an Opportunity to Correct the Wrong
Your child has to know what he did was wrong. He should also be
given the opportunity to redeem himself by correcting his mistake.
You should have suggestions how the child can correct the wrong.
This will give your child the message that he can’t hurt others
and just walk away. He must say he’s sorry or do the victim a
favor. It gives him a chance to take responsibility for his
actions. It also allows him to put the misdeed behind him and go
on.
5- Deliver the Criticism with Love
This is vital. Criticism is a gift. It is a gift of knowledge,
it is a gift of values. But it is an unwanted gift. Still, it
is a gift nevertheless. No one wants to hear criticism. Our
goal when we give criticism is to do it as painlessly as possible
so it will be received properly.
It must be clear when you deliver your message that you are
doing it for your child’s sake. If your child knows that what
you are saying is because you love him, the message will be
better received.
If you are angry, all the child will hear is the anger. The
message that comes through is, “You don’t like me.” Nothing
else will be heard. You must make it clear to your child that
you are criticizing because you care about him. You cannot let
the message get blurred out by the static of your emotions.
This is not easy. It is easy to write about it and to read this
when no one is around and things are calm. It is much harder to
apply this idea when there is a tumult going on and the tensions
are high. Still we have to acknowledge at least the proper way
to do things. Or else we will never be successful.
6- Try to See Your Child’s Point of View
We as parents are not faced with the same challenges as our
children. This leads to a very reasonable response, at least in
the mind of the child, to think, “Who are you to criticize me?
How do you know what I am going through? You don’t understand
me.”
This is a legitimate response. Your child doesn’t see you as a
former child. Your child sees you as a stable adult. Now, you
may understand your child perfectly, but your child doesn’t know
that. It helps when you give criticism to visualize things from
your child’s perspective and couch your words is such a way that
your child knows clearly you understand him.
7- Sometimes it is Better to Delay the Criticism
We have a knee jerk reaction to respond immediately when we see
our children do something that we don’t like. This is a normal
reaction. However, you should always ask yoursef if this is
the best time and place to rebuke your child.
When your child does something wrong he will be expecting the
criticism right away. When the child is expecting the reaction,
his guard is up he will react by defending himself and fighting
back. He will not hear what you say and he will be defending
himself.
Sometimes it is better to wait until things quiet down. Then
you can discuss with the child rationally and the child will
hear it. You will also be calmer and be able to deliver a
better message to your child.
8- Sometimes no Criticism is the Best
The purpose of criticism is to correct future behavior. If it
is clear to the child that he did something wrong and if the
child feels bad about what was done and he is not likely to
repeat it, there is nothing added by acknowledging his misdeed.
Conclusion
I want to point out that the principles that we have discussed
apply when you need to rebuke anybody. The difference is that
for anyone else we usually can choose whether or not to get
involved. As a parent we do not have that option. We are
automatically involved.
We have an obligation to correct our children’s behavior. Our
children need our guidance. It is a terrible example when
parents let their children do what they want without direction.
The children may act like they like the freedom, but these are
the children who grow up not knowing right from wrong and not
realizing that there are consequences for bad actions.
Eventually these children feel that their parents really don’t
care about them. Often they are right.
It is hard to be a parent. But the more effort you put into
steering your child on the proper path to adulthood, the more
happiness you will have when you share in your child’s successes
through his life.
Anthony Kane, MD
ADD ADHD Advances
http://addadhdadvances.com
================================================================
Anthony Kane, MD is a physician, an international lecturer, and
director of special education. He is the author of a book,
numerous articles, and a number of online programs dealing with
ADHD treatment (http://addadhdadvances.com/childyoulove.html),
parenting issues (http://addadhdadvances.com/betterbehavior.html),
ODD, and education.
You may visit his website at http://addadhdadvances.com.
To sign up for the free ADD ADHD Advances online journal send
an email to: subscribe@addadhdadvances.com?subject=subscribeart
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